Today
by LavenderAndSnow
Summary: "She'd rather die than see you lose Jacqueline. Jethro, you owe her. You owe her." A fragmented piece about love and pain and what we cannot know and cannot say in life. (Can be read as a sequel to Moonlight, Sunshine, but not necessarily.)


Today

Disclaimer: I do not own NCIS or any characters here. Notes are at the end.

Summary:

"She'd rather die than see you lose Jacqueline. Jethro, you owe her. You owe her." A fragmented piece about love and pain and what we cannot know and cannot say in life.

(Can be read as a sequel to _Moonlight, Sunshine_, but not necessarily.)

_The Coffee Shop_

On that warm sunny October afternoon, two women talked and laughed on the patio of a coffee shop, watching strangers passing by. Life was peaceful at that moment.

Little did Jacqueline Sloane know it was the last time she saw Hollis Mann.

As strange as some people think, Jack and Hollis have become good friends and deep down inside they admired each other. Their occasional lunch on workdays, weekend trips to the mall or the parks have been genuine and loving. Hollis has never asked about Jack's relationship with Gibbs, and for some reason, Jack almost hoped she would one day. Hollis was never preying, and their entire friendship was…Gibbs-free.

Sometimes Jack felt bad that she ever doubted Hollis at first. Secretly she felt guilty that she was the one receiving Gibbs' love. Jack stared at the wedding band on Hollis' hand and felt silly instantly—Hollis was happily married, wasn't she?

As cliché as it sounds, tragedy happens way too fast.

All Jack could remember days later was hearing the noise of a vehicle, the sight of a truck fast approaching, and Hollis reaching out and using her body to protect her. She felt intensive pain as the truck crashed into them and then it was blank.

_The Hospital_

Gibbs sat silently in the waiting area. Jack and Hollis were still in surgery. He listened carefully to every beeping sound of medical equipment, every step of foot traffic, and each word exchanged between doctors and anxious families. The waiting area was crowded and lonely.

It felt like forever has passed when a doctor walked to him.

"Agent Sloane is stable now and we think she would wake up soon, you can visit in a few hours." The doctor paused and took a deep breath, "Please find Agent Mann's family…they should come and say goodbye before it's too late. I'm sorry."

"Boss, we've been trying to reach Agent Mann's husband. It…it might take a while… we haven't found anything useful." McGee's voice sounded worried. Gibbs didn't move.

"Let me see her." That was the first words Gibbs said since arriving at the hospital.

When he saw Hollis on that hospital bed, oxygen mask and tubes all over her face, pale white sheets covering her body, he felt an unusual sense of heaviness. No, not this time, not her too. He watched her silently—her longing eyes seemed to want to say something, but she was too weak. She just looked at him, tears falling uncontrollably, crawling on her blood-covered face. At that moment he saw all the raw pain she has been hiding.

He took her hand into his and gave her a gentle squeeze. "Holly…" He wanted to say something but fell silent. She didn't deserve this. She deserves love and sunshine and long walks at the beach, hiking trips into deep green mountains, and movie nights by the ambient fireplace. Everything he failed to give her, everything he wasn't willing to give her.

She closed her eyes slowly and he watched as the light gradually died out from her. He rubbed his finger on her platinum wedding band gently.

He placed her hand over his beating heart as his silent goodbye.

Ducky's low voice finally pulled him back into reality. "She'd rather die than see you lose Jacqueline. Jethro, you owe her. You owe her." Years ago, Ducky thought Hollis would be the one for Jethro, and it pained him to see her leaving.

"I drove a dagger right through her heart." Words finally left his lips. How he'd wish he has something else to say.

Deep down in his heart, he knows he doesn't deserve Hollis. She would always be there for him, she would never betray him.

The ironic truth is, Gibbs realized he had never truly understood Hollis, and he might just start to love her a little after she died.

McGee opened the door and walked in, "Boss, Jack just woke up."

He felt so afraid as he walked towards Jack's room. He couldn't handle watching one more person closing their eyes forever on this day. When he saw Jack fully awake, resting in the hospital bed, an overwhelming sense of relief hit him.

"Jack, thank god you're okay." He pulled her into his arms, and after several seconds he let go of her and kissed her fiercely. He had to feel the warmth of her body, of her lips. He had to confirm that she was there, alive and well.

"Jethro, I'm fine. I am fine." She brushed against the side of his arm. Her tired eyes and pale face made his heartache.

As Jack gradually remembered what had happened, she looked into his eyes and he saw the worry and fear growing fast in her. "Jethro…Where's Hollis?"

He didn't know how to deliver this. He took a deep breath and swallowed painfully.

There's nothing in the textbook or protocol teaching him about telling a survivor that their companion wasn't as lucky. And he knew he had to tell the truth, he had to deliver the message which would break Jack's heart.

He raised his hands to cup Jack's face gently. "Jack…Hollis didn't make it."

_The Cemetery _

Gibbs pushed Jack's wheelchair as they approached Hollis's funeral. Jack reached for his hands on her shoulder and gave him a tight squeeze. She couldn't imagine the pain he is in—the guilt, the hate he must be holding for himself. She wondered if he could ever forgive himself for Hollis's death.

After everyone left, Gibbs and Jack finally came close to her tomb. The black marble shined in the sunlight.

_Lt. Col. Hollis Elizabeth Mann_. _Beloved Daughter_.

The simple words engraved in gold on her black tombstone. Jack placed the flowers on the ground. A bouquet of red roses blooming like fire.

_The Fireplace_

Jack sat up and let him rest on her chest, arms covering his back, patting gently. She has never seen him this vulnerable before.

"Jack….I killed her. I killed Hollis." Exhaustion was written all over his face.

"It wasn't your fault. There was nothing you could have done."

"Nothing? Like not pushing her away again and again?"

Jack fell silent as she heard this. The pain Hollis had been hiding became all-clear after her death. The choices she has made—the wedding band on her finger, the husband whose identity has yet to be discovered, the split-second decision to sacrifice her life. "It will be okay. You will get through this…We will get through this, together."

Slowly he relaxed from the tearless sobbing and put his arms around Jack tightly. Her warmth and strength comforted his heart, just like Hollis did before. Jack ran her fingers through his silver hair, pecking gentle kisses on his forehead. "Go get some sleep. I'll be right beside you."

The next morning when he woke up, he saw Jack sitting right next to the bed.

"Hey, you are awake." She gently ran her fingers through his hair. He seemed so exhausted and fragile and haunted.

She gave him a coffee-filled mug.

Silence.

"…I saw her, Jack. I saw Hollis." He said with a flat tone.

"I'm so sorry…I miss her, too. She has been a good friend." Her caramel brown eyes were filled with care.

"I don't deserve her…" He rubbed his hand on the mug, feeling the warmth, and then looked up to meet Jack's eyes, "or you."

"No, don't say that-" Jack raised her voice to stop him from saying something that will hurt both of them.

"Jack, listen to me!" His impatient interruption caught her attention. She realized this wasn't some guilt-talk-he meant it.

"No Jethro. You don't get to decide for both of us. I am not leaving."

"Jack, I don't deserve you."

"Leroy Jethro Gibbs, don't you tell me what I should do, how I should live my life…. or whom I should love." He traced his fingers over her lips but she brushed him away.

"It should have been me, not Hollis."

"Jethro, look at me." She looked into his clear blue eyes, taking in all the pain reflecting from his eyes. "Hollis…she saw you as the love of her life. Make her life count, otherwise, all her suffering would be in vain."

_The Park_

Jack has been recovering for several days. If the weather was nice, Gibbs would take her for a short walk in the park next to his house. He liked the way the sunlight hits her caramel blonde hair and the way it made her smile. He wanted to protect Jack, but he felt protected when he was with her.

As they walked, hand in hand, his thoughts drifted to another blonde woman and his heart ached. He remembered, suddenly, the uncomfortable conversation he had with Hollis Mann the day she died. He remembered Hollis came to the headquarter to pick up Jack for coffee, and she conveniently eyed him for a private chat before heading out.

He had no idea what she had in mind, but he knew it must be important for Hollis to insist on a private conversation. He followed silently into the elevator and turned to face her emotionlessly. His defensive silence was urging her to speak.

"Jack." Simple words left her lips as her piercing green eyes casting concern all over him.

"What about her?" His tone was flat but Hollis detected his impatience.

"She loves you. Don't toy with her heart." She averted eye contact afterward and lifted the emergency shift.

He was suddenly at a loss of words. Oh, Jack. How could he toy with her heart? He loved her completely. He would protect her at any cost.

He raised an eyebrow at Hollis, but she was looking straight at the elevator door. He thought he saw some relief on Hollis' face, but also a sense of nostalgia….and hurt, maybe?

He didn't think much.

Now he realized that Hollis was swallowing her pain silently and maintaining her perfect composure. She wanted to say don't leave Jack in pain. Don't toy with her heart the same way you did with mine. She couldn't. He understood now and that irony cut deep. He thought about everything-the sudden appearance of a wedding band on her finger, the non-existence of her wedding invitation, the simply stated "beloved daughter" on her tombstone, and the husband who did not show up at her funeral, whom McGee couldn't find in any database. He wanted to ask her why, but it was too late.

He exhaled softly, stopping and pulling Jack into his arms. He felt her arms hooked securely around his neck and he found his lips crushing with hers.

He heard her muttering something and opened his eyes. Jack looked him in his eyes with concern, "You okay, cowboy?"

"Yeah." He brushed away a stray strand of hair from her forehead and took her hands tightly in his.

He looked into her eyes for several seconds. She was intoxicatingly sweet.

Slowly he dropped down to one knee and looked up to her. His next question changed everything.

"Jacqueline Elise Sloane, will you marry me?"

-the end.

A/N:

This is a major what if on Hollis Mann, accompanied by Slibbs struggle and progress. I started this story trying to understand Hollis better, but it ended up leaving me with more questions. I love Hollis so much, but Slibbs is endgame.

Strongly influenced by Wittgenstein, "what we cannot speak about we must pass over in silence."

Comments (not necessarily compliments) are welcome.


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